Genuine bonding and communication techniques
Hi there, Lily here.
A huge part of parenting is to communicate effectively with our kids. As kids grow older and develop their own personalities, ideas, and opinions, communication can become more challenging. That’s why the parenting industry is inundated with advice on how to get kids and teens to listen and follow rules and boundaries.
However, before learning communication styles, techniques, and canned scripts, we need to learn to connect with our kids. In other words, in order to get through to them, we need to move beyond surface-level conversations and explore the realm of understanding and empathy.
Our brain knows best.
Human communication goes beyond words; it’s actually primarily conveyed by emotions. Before our brain interprets the meaning of words, it judges body language, facial expressions, eye contact, level of distractedness, tone of voice, and for highly sensitive humans, the atmosphere/energy around the person.
Our idea here is not to undermine the power of words. Or to diminish the value of knowing how to communicate well and effectively. We would like to remind everyone that during a conversation with your kid, whether it’s a conflict or not, it’s important to make a conscious assessment of how you are truly feeling about it, as well as empathetically try to understand your kid’s perspective. The words you choose should be a result of that assessment. They should reflect the genuine intention of understanding them and also making yourself understood.
"I understand you feel this way now, but…".
This is a great sentence to validate your kid’s feelings and show empathy before setting a boundary. But it only works if you're actually interested in attuning to your kid’s feelings before saying it, if you made sure you understood what was going through their minds and hearts. Otherwise, the sentence is meaningless.
Communication methodology can trump connection.
When people are emotionally disconnected, the use of communication techniques can make the other person feel manipulated, and not just because the most popular ones are patently unnatural, more suited for a robot. There is often a hidden agenda in the use of communication methods. The goal is not merely to understand or make yourself understood by the other person; it’s to get them to do what you want.
Now, of course, in the relationship with your kid, there will be many times when you will need to guide them to do what you believe is best - whether it’s for their well-being, safety, or simply for your sanity. Even so, connection should always come first.
Fighting or shutting down.
People usually don’t get into fights and withdraw because they lack good communication techniques. They do it to numb the pain of disconnection.
Connection means the attunement of emotional states. It’s not just about being all smiles, we can definitely feel connected even in tough times. However, attunement cannot exist in a state of emotional reactivity - when one is only trying to react instead of understanding. When we try to translate the emotional experience into words without attunement, we run a high risk of sounding artificial or, worse, manipulative or dishonest.
Real connection comes from showing genuine interest and care. It is in the facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice, not only in the words or techniques.
WHAT NOW?
From now on, when you spend time with your kid, before you even start thinking about what the Best Parent of the Year would say in any given situation, ask yourself these questions:
Do you want to feel emotionally connected with your kid?
How curious are you to learn their perspective?
How much do you care about how they feel right now?
After considering those questions, think about whether your bond with your child matters more than what you're talking about. If there's a disagreement, make sure your child knows that you'll always love and care about them, even if you don't see eye to eye at that moment. Anything less than that diminishes the bond between you two – it shows that what you want to discuss is more important, which can lead to emotional reactivity.
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