Childhood loneliness.
Hi there!
Up to now, we've talked a lot about connection and the ways we can bond with our kids. In the next few weeks, we’ll address some of the consequences of parent-child disconnection.
One significant issue is childhood loneliness. You know that feeling when you're in a room full of people, but you still feel all alone? It's a deep sense of disconnection, like no one really gets you. The reality is that we can feel lonely even when we are not alone. What matters is the internal experience.
It's also possible to be content on one's own. As the British psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott explained, people who never actually feel alone internally had the early experience of having what he called “a good-enough mother.” A good enough mother isn’t perfect, but she cares deeply for her child and values him for who he is. Wherever these contented souls go, they carry with them an ongoing sense of the mother’s caring and attentive presence. More modern research found that it does not have to be the mother; it’s equally important to have a “good-enough” father or any direct caregiver.
Effects.
Unfortunately, loneliness can affect kids’ mental and physical health. It impacts their grades, motivation, and enjoyment of life. In severe cases, it can lead to suicide, self-harm, and violence. Also, loneliness isn't just a temporary thing. Research has shown that it can have serious long-term effects on mental health. We're talking about anxiety and depressive disorders in young adults. Data points to a direct correlation between childhood loneliness and adult loneliness. Research shows that loneliness is as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
The signs.
How can you tell if your kid is struggling with loneliness? The signs might not always be obvious, but they're there if you know where to look.
For tweens, look for:
Signs of increasing sadness
Social disconnection: rather than not having friends, they may no longer want to be with their friends
Loss of appetite at mealtimes
Loss of motivation to do the things they once enjoyed
Avoidance of talking to you about their problems with their friends
Increased stress
Sleeping but not feeling rested
Neglecting their appearance or hygiene
Developing a negative outlook on life
Showing signs of depression or anxiety
Teens might:
Retreat to their rooms for hours on end
Seem down in the dumps
Talk to you more than usual or stop hanging out with their friends altogether
Exhibit negative self-talk, which is unfortunately pretty common
WHAT NOW?
So, what can we do about it? First off, we need to pay attention. Keep an eye out for those signs of loneliness and don't be afraid to talk about it. Encourage your child to open up about their feelings and let them know that it's okay to feel this way. Most importantly, be there for them. Show them that they're not alone, no matter what.
Connecting emotionally with your child can be a key first step to healing their loneliness. Let them know that you're there to listen, support, and understand. Your love and understanding can make all the difference in the world.
We strongly encourage everyone to seek out a therapist, especially if your child is showing any signs of mental health issues. With the availability of telehealth services and various apps, accessing therapy has become more convenient than ever. It's now easier to try different professionals to find one that suits your needs.
If your child is experiencing suicidal thoughts, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
NERDING IT UP
Childhood loneliness as a specific risk factor for adult psychiatric disorders (read)
Is Your Child Lonely? (read)
How to Help Kids Who Are Lonely (read)
Why addressing loneliness in children can prevent a lifetime of loneliness in adults (read)
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